2011-10-14
You will be my favourite mistake.
He tells me he loves me, like that will make it better, will make it hurt less....
It just makes it hurt more, makes it feel like a knife through the heart....
Because he doesn't love me enough for it to matter, so what's the point? He loves me now, tells me he'll love me always, but doesn't want me to come be with him.....
I thought I had learned from my mistakes, thought I had learned to not give my heart away when I knew I was just going to get hurt in the end. It has become painfully obvious to me tonight that is not the case.
So what now? With eight weeks left, do I run away now, try and start mending my already broken heart? Or do I spend the next two months loving him with all my heart like I already do, knowing that in the end, it will all amount to nothing?
And now I have to go, because he's waiting for me in bed, because if I'm not there in a few moments to lie with him, to cuddle with him, he'll worry. And the whole time I will be dying inside, knowing he loves me, just not as much as I love him.
I could talk for a thousand years and still not accurately describe what is going on in my head...this whole time I was concerned about not making this same mistake as last time. In fact, I was so concerned about that I failed to realize I was making an entirely new and yet equally painful mistake.
I don't keep anything from him, but I will not tell him about here. After all, I've said most of these same things in person, to a reaction that has done nothing but make me pull further away.
8 weeks....I had better stop loving you now.
You will be my favourite mistake. - 2011-10-14
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